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Marriage Requires Work

 It was a little after twelve at night when I walked through the door with my heels and bags in hand. I was just getting home from Alt Summit, a multi-day bloggers conference. I was still dressed in my gorgeous gold sequin dress (which I cannot wait to show you all). I dropped everything on the carpet and collapsed into our sofa not wanting to move. I was contemplating some sort of invention out there that could magically lift me to my bed. While still in thought, I looked up and on our coffee table was a bouquet of two dozen flowers, chocolate, and a note. The note read, "Welcome back you amazing woman!". It was from my husband.
 
STOP. If you are thinking, "Well that would never happen to me because my husband never brings me flowers anymore" or "Well, don't you have the best marriage", you should know that these flowers meant a lot to me for my marriage.
 
Our marriage, as most do, has taken work, lots of work! For those who have been following Mumsy you may recall when I wrote about my marriage here. And for those who are new, I sometimes share my marriage journey.
 
 To be honest, loads and loads of time, energy, and even money has been put into our marriage. So these flowers that night were a symbol of progress and effort. They symbolized selflessness and hope. They meant that my husband was trying to make me happy and show love for me in ways that may not have always been natural for him. These gifts and note meant that he loves me. And to me that means a lot.
 
 In my marriage, I mention that we've had to work hard. We've had to work through childhood issues, personal issues, and issues between each other. So I wanted to share this triumph with you all. With all we've worked through I am going to savor the good moments.
 
 
 
Part of working on my marriage has consisted of my own personal development. I have tried to focus on what I can do to change instead of what I think my husband can do differently. I may not like how he lost his temper, but I can't control him. The only person I can control is myself. I can choose how I react. Thinking of this, I am coming to terms with the idea of letting go of the idea of perfection and control.
 
Struggling with the idea of a perfect marriage has been a day-to-day fight. I would think, "Did we look like the perfect couple to others?". I also felt this pressure to act like everything was rainbows and unicorns, that we don't have any problems. Just in the last few months, I realized that I was subconsciously comparing my marriage to others ALL the time. This has been toxic to my marriage. When my husband and I didn't look as "perfect" as those around me I would get angry and sad.

In addition I would watch these "perfect" couples and I would envy them. And on the chance that I would see them fall apart I would be happy. I would be happy that they too were imperfect like me. That they also had pain and sorrow. Oh boy, do you see how wrong I was? I see it now. I was happy for someone else's pain or negative experiences and I think that is wrong. I don't want to be happy for someone else's sorrow.
 
 I don't understand where these thoughts originated. Maybe I watched too many Disney Movies with the couple always riding off into the sunset. But I won't blame Disney, I love Disney. I am responsible for my own ideals. I think I just pictured marriage not being so hard. Yes, that's the truth. Marriage is hard and sometimes harder for some people than others.  
 
 Well today, I'm saying, "ENOUGH!". I'm done pretending we are perfect. My husband and I argue, fight, and sometimes don't want to be in the same room with each other. We also smile at each other often. We hug and make out and share our personal thoughts with each other. We love each other and that is enough. I'm done caring if we look perfect to others on the outside. I can't handle that pressure anymore. I will be honest though, I still struggle when I see these couples sometimes and I envy them. I will be honest that this is going to take time for me to stop fixating on the idea of perfection in my marriage. Improvement, not perfection, take time and that is ok.
 
 So today, I am trying to focus more in my marriage on the positives instead of perfection. My marriage will never be perfect and that is ok. I am learning that this doesn't mean that my marriage is bad. A marriage that is imperfect IS a good marriage.

This has been so tuff for me. One day I'm on cloud nine and the next day my husband and I don't agree and it's like the end of the world.  I have found myself thinking on those days, "My marriage is lost, how can I go another day in the imperfection?" But for me, coming to terms that an amazing marriage is imperfect has helped and that there will be good and bad days. Something that has also helped on this journey for me is to realize that no marriage is perfect no matter how loving and selfless they are. And also that my marriage is my own. My marriage is not my neighbors and because of that I should not compare.  
 
So now I want to say and finish my ramblings with a kudos to the couples out there who are trying. Yes, the ones that maybe in the past I would have secretly envied, kudos. Please don't ever feel bad about being an amazing loving couple in front of others, especially me. I mean, don't rub it in my face on purpose and brag for hours about how amazing your husband is. But, please continue to be amazing couples out there. 

I am working on focusing on my own happiness and that's all that I should gauge my happiness on. I am focusing on me and what I can do to make my marriage better. Share your joys and triumphs in marriage. Fight for love. Fight hard.
 
 We can always give more love. Happiest of Valentines no matter who you're with. Much love to you all, and thanks for listening to my ramblings.
 
 

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