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A little while back my husband and I sat next to each other. I confessed to him that I wasn't happy with how we treated each other, the casualness of our speech, and our relationship. My heart sank as my husband agreed completely. Was there hope for us? What had happened to our marriage? At that moment I felt like every muscle in my body was being twisted Indian-rug-burn style and a nauseated feeling grew within my abdomen. I was suddenly lacking the ability to breath. My marriage was struggling.
 

We sat and talked about the habits which had slowly crept into our marriage and had been destroying it. And then like the sunrise, hope arose as we agreed to make some course corrections. We both were willing to try. We have come a long way in our marriage. You may remember I wrote about my relationship here. Along the journey we have both become different and better human beings though. And we have grown together. It really is a beautiful thing.


Now that time has gone by since our original pow-wow I'd like to report that life and my marriage is joy filled. I didn't realize it at the time, but when we were at our lowest it really affected every other area of my life. I found myself becoming pessimistic. I also found myself taking passive aggressive actions. And when I wasn't with him I would dwell on all he did wrong. So since we have rebooted our marriage, life truly has transformed. I have been surprised at how much brighter life is and can be again.


For this reason I am writing this post. For all or any of you out there who are at a low point in your marriage and in life, there is hope. I understand some relationships are beyond repair. And I understand there are issues that are beyond forgiveness. I speak to those who still want to try. To those who wish to feel that spark again. I now I look at my husband and smile. We meet eyes and laugh. I want to be constantly by him. I have fallen in love again. Here is what has worked for me. 


1. Don't talk negatively to others about your spouse.


I wasn't awful about this. Or at least I hope I wasn't. But sometimes I let my frustrations come out in conversation with friends or family. I found that when I was around these people and my spouse, I then had to act a part. I was no longer the wife but the victim. Obviously this is not how marriage is supposed to be and we shouldn't thrive on the pity of others to pacify our happiness. Talk to your spouse about your problems, not others.


2. Focus on the positives.

As mentioned earlier, I would dwell and ponder often of all the things I didn't like about my husband. It really was poison. How could I ever recognize the good he was doing with all of the negative thoughts I was focusing on? And how was I supposed to love someone who I thought was so bad? I now think often of all the diapers he changes without me asking. I recognize the times he washes the dishes after dinner and the times he opens the car door for me. I understand he is human and makes mistakes. And I ponder often now on all the good my husband does. He is truly a good man. There is an intense power to positive thinking!

3. Be willing to admit you're wrong.

 It's tuff to say, "You're right. I can do that differently." But this is so needed in our marriages. We are together to help each other. In order to help each other grow we must be willing to change. An argument can be drawn out and last so much longer if both partners are not willing to open up their minds to the others opinions. I've had to tell myself many times, "Stop being stubborn!"

4. Serve!

Even if your spouse isn't serving you, serve them. Do not pass up the chance to do something for your spouse. My husband made a goal to bring more lunches from home. So I decided to set my alarm five minutes earlier to be able to make him a lunch. It felt so good to know I was helping him with his goals. Another idea is that as we serve we are more likely to become a selfless partner in our marriage. And like I talked about in my last marriage post, marriage is not for you. It is for the other person and I truly believe when you love someone their needs and wants become more important than your own.

5. Communicate your feelings and be willing to hear his.

If you are bugged about something in your relationship, talk about it. There are healthy ways to do this which I will talk about in number seven. But please share your concerns. Now girls that doesn't mean that you go to him about every nit picking thing. But do share normally occurring incidents. And when he shares his thoughts, stop, and listen. Stop what you are doing, look him in the eye, and don't interrupt.

6. Hold hands and Kiss Often.

Go out of your way to hug your husband when he gets home. Flirt and kiss often. Hold hands in public, you're married for crying out loud.

7. Watch your tone.

Oh man this one is a hard one for us. We both get tired or irritated with other areas of our lives and take it out on each other. Don't do it! Something that has helped in our marriage is talking kindly to each other. It's not always what is being said but how it is said. Instead of saying, "Pick up your stinking socks! They have been there for days now!". Instead you could say, "It would be really nice if you picked up your socks."

8. Romance like you're dating.

Go back to the mentality of dating years. I went by my husband's work recently and decided to have a little fun. I took some post-it notes I had in the car and wrote silly notes. I then placed them all over the inside of the car. For example one note on the steering wheel said, "You drive me crazy!". Another on the rear-view mirror said, "I could stare into your eyes forever.". I know it's super cheesy but my husband loved it at the end of his work day. And in return he sent me a romantic text message which made me smile.

I know what you're thinking. I have tried these things and he never reciprocated. Talk to him. These tips go both ways, they're not just meant for the wife.  And my husband admitted that when I do all these things it makes him want to be better as well. I understand you may not be the type of couple that likes to hold hands all the time. Find what works for you. Create fireworks! I really hope this article gives you faith in your marriage again. It is hard. Often I realize how I am slipping back into my old habits. These things do not always come naturally. You might already do these things, but if not, keep at it! Have a fantastic Monday!

 


10 comments

  1. Hope I remember these things when I get married they're good ideas;)!

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  2. Thank you and thanks for reading our posts! We love you! I know you'll be an amazing wife!

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  3. That is beautiful Natashia! Great ideas!

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  4. Thanks Trish! I really appreciate it.

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  5. As beautifully expressed as are you, Natashia!

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  6. As beautifully expressed as are you, Natashia!

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    1. Thanks Rebekah! That means a lot coming from you. I was really nervous about being so open. And I'm just glad it has been received well.

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  7. Sound advice for any married couple - 5 minutes or fifty years!!

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  8. That is so nice of you to say. I know we are all different and some things that work for one couple might not work for another but I was hoping it would at least help give hope for marriage. Thanks!

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  9. I relate to your story, I walked the same path of negativity and comparison and ended unhappy, until I learnt the same truths and applied the same as you. If you need to be loved more,love more. A quote I came across recently, as well as something in learnt on my own (stubborn, but it's the only way it sinks in),says something along the lines of grass being greener where it's taken care of. We can wish for green,complain and compare to other lawns, but until we do the work on our lawn, it will stay dry and wilty. Thank you for sharing your story, much needed reminder.

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